So fucking be it.
I said it before and I'll elucidate. I want to talk about how things get worse.
The idea of giving people time to think things through, to cool off, blow off steam and organize their thoughts, that makes me crazy. It doesn't work like that for me. If we fight, and you don't fix it fast, if you cut me off and walk away, I don't cool down. I don't get perspective. Or rather I do, but not the one you'd like. It focuses me, makes me angry beyond repair. My shrink says I "can't tolerate ambiguity." And while I'm working on and have made GREAT strides in my black-and-white outlook, I ask you, what the hell is so wrong with not being able to tolerate ambiguity? I can't see any way around it.
When I fight with someone I love, I can't rest until go to them, talk to them and figure out where we go from there. It's a measure of my love because the times I haven't bothered means we were irrevocably damaged and I don't ever want to see them again. I know not everyone is like this, but in practice it doesn't make me feel any better to know that. Perhaps because I don't know that at all. There it is again. I cannot tolerate ambiguity.
How dare you not include me? After you said you wanted to, how dare you? What are you waiting for? We're dying, don't you know that? Our time will ALWAYS be less than we need. Always. That's the nature of being human. So when we stumble on things we know as truth, things we know we want, why don't you throw yourself at them wholeheartedly? I've always lived my life this way and it has always been a good idea.
I feel like I'm mourning a long life without my husband, much like my grandmother after Grandpa Art died. She went into mourning and never came out of it because their love was so epic. At least they got their real chance for some years, and she had proof of this. She had an entire tribe as a result. Me? Maybe I already got my chance and now it's over. And like her, I'll never want or get one again. I'm too young and too old for this, all at once and I'm heartbroken.
Maybe, years from now at middle age or maybe not until old age, you'll see it all finally. Maybe then you'll be ready and you'll realize that you're heartbroken too, for what could have been if you just sorted it the fuck out. If you just saw the forest for the trees. And you'll see that you broke my heart and your own, you fucking idiot.
I'm so angry, so sad, sooo upset and bereft. And I'm an idiot for it too. Maybe you'll never truly be heartbroken and never see because it's all one-sided and I'm wrong, wrong, wrong.
Time to wipe my tears, go to bed and go to work in the morning. For what, I don't fucking know.
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